Give-up

In desperation, I see,
What I had forlorn to be,
Be bestowed on someone more worthy.

My pride is lost, the game's over,
There’s nothing anyone can do about it,
As I give up, I know I’ll never stand back again.

I lost my only chance,
To prove my worth and stance,
As I bleed from inside, my tears go unseen.

I fear the repercussions,
The sorrow, disgust and tensions,
The stress they'll put me under, and the pain I shall hence suffer.

My friends all forsake me,
For I aint what I promised I will someday be,
Why blame them? When the fault in me lies wide open.

The depths of darkness,
The abyss, that I’ll never be able to fathom,
I fall into; will I ever come out is the question I pose to me.

My journey so mysterious, no path was ever clear
All I ever knew is
I’ll never know where I want to get.

My will, my only power,
A troubled soul to recover, a skin hanging lose on my shoulder,
The remnants of a wreck; a true disaster.

A picture painted would only reveal,
Death in its finest ordeal,
A soul tainted with defeat and shame written all over.

I don’t cry over the past,
Nor do I fear for my future,
He who cradles the world will always look after.

But as human what have I been? I always wonder,
Any better than a beast? or worse? echoes my soul,
The answer to which I never dare to find.

If today is not my day, as people say,
Tomorrow will never be,
I dare say, I shall never be, what I wanted to be.

With solitude as my companion,
Pain, the motivator, I plan to re-build my shattered dreams,
My hope, long lost, I seek to redeem.

In Mother Nature, I seek solace,
Some time and some space,
To build back, what I thought I had lost forever.

A bird’s nest, I see,
Tortured by wind from the sea,
Undaunted; it builds back as happy a soul as it can be.

I decide I’ll never quit.
Till my last breath will I stick,
With bated breath I’ll fight, myself more than anyone else.

To full utility will I work myself,
So that when all is said and done,
I can blame my luck if nothing else.

As my thoughts transpire
I aspire to be back in the race,
To never be alluded to as a just-run again.

But only the fittest survive,
The rest are destined to be plowed,
The more I try to go up, the more I am pushed down.

True faith never quits,
An adage; it’ll always only remain one
There’s no more color to it, the hard way as I find it.

Drenched in misery and self-pity,
I truly give up.
I can’t take this anymore, I say to myself.

Barren as a desert,
no grace no substance,
I find myself in this pathetic condition.

Random Musings - Part One

"Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country"- John F Kennedy.

He couldn’t have put it any better, could he? Patriotism has been used and misused time and again. Many a case can be made against patriotism. It has been pointed out by many to be the source of war and misery. Let me define what I mean when I say Patriotism before I venture into anything more. Patriotism is the love for ones country. Period. The problem, as I see it, comes up when this love for your own turns into hatred for the other. Consider two parallel lines, one yours and another mine. Expecting my line to grow (and working towards that cause) is analogous to the patriotism I am talking about. Cutting the other short to make mine look bigger- now that’s misuse. When people talk about nationalism (or patriotism) being the bane of mankind, I am assuming they are talking about the second kind. That is why we need standards.

Long back in class 6, if I am not wrong, I read this story of 5 blind men and an elephant. Each blind man feels different part of an elephant. For the person who touched its leg, an elephant is a vast pillar like creature. For the one who touched its ear, it is like a piece of cloth. And so on…My point is, we are, if we don’t adhere to standards, like blind men. Our perception of something stems from our interaction with something, or how it was taught to us in school or interpreted by a friend. Albert Einstein, Bertrand Russell and others lived at an age when Hitler implicated wrongly, the notion of country and race and declared war on ‘others’. I believe they have a right to believe what they want to. But the problem is, rather my problem is, that’s not how I see it. I love my country not because it is great but because it is mine. This doesn’t imply I hate the rest (without reason). I am of the opinion, following my definition of patriotism, that people with negative cognition of term patriotism are attacking the wrong problem. Patriotism isn’t wrong. How someone interpreted it, is.

On this note, a very common question I was asked about ones country is that it wasn’t by choice. So, there wasn’t supposed to be much significance to ones country. To be frank with you, this only makes me laugh. For all you know, being human may not have been a choice as well. It really is funny when people talk of free will. Re-think. Freedom of choice is a diluted concept. We are not given choice in most cases- definitely not about my species. (I would have chosen to be a dog, with all due to respects to Tommy. If there ever was a reason I got to be a human, it was because I wasn’t worthy enough to be a dog). That certainly doesn’t imply that someone must dictate everything to us. If that is what you think I implied, you must stop reading this note immediately. Forebear at your own risk. What I write is what I think. The interpretation is yours and yours only.

Freedom of choice is a freedom only when it isn’t infringing on another’s. (Which is pretty redundant a sentence in context). But the bigger picture is important -always. So, if the entire human race is uplifted by my death, killing me against my freedom of choice is right and not immoral (Suggested reading- Robert Pirsig: “Lila, an enquiry into morals”). While I am definitely pro-choice, I am of also of the opinion that my options must be equally balanced. For example, in a discussion on Orkut, people were of the opinion that religion must be a choice. I agree that it is feasible, but only in an environment where nothing is forced (so much redundant again, but rethink and you will see what I mean) upon you or made to look tantalizing. I chose this example of religion with a reason (apart from the fact that I am an Indian), that of emotional value. For different people, religion means different things. For me religion is a means of making a human being disciplined and living a pious life- something intended for the overall good of the society and no doubt, having been misused. (Again, going by my definition, if religion is foolishness; I say you are attacking the wrong problem).

Being an Indian and in that context, if you are talking about Hinduism vis-à-vis Abrahamic religions, which are the major religions in India, I’d say you are comparing apples to oranges. Just because some people could not pronounce “Sindhu” properly, people beyond the river became Hindus. These people beyond Sindhu, did not have nor do they have a centralized institution that prints out texts to follow so you remain a member. Hinduism, for me, is not a religion implied in the sense of a particular book to follow/ path to lead. It is an ensemble of different paths that guide you in your quest of life- what that is, is again upto you. I am not giving out answers here- only looking at the question differently. It is, simply put, a way of life (Ref: Writings of Swami Vivekananda). I am a Hindu and an atheist at the same time (and still not a moron, well, arguably).

Still on the question of aim of life, let me explain how I see it for myself. I was watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S (a comedy TV series) in which a young woman asks Ross (character of a paleontologist) for an autograph and not Joey (playing the role of a popular TV series actor), which, as they put it, never happens. Joey is astounded that the woman doesn’t know him but Ross and goes on to ask the woman about it. The woman responds she doesn’t have a TV. Joey comes up with this gem: “What is all your furniture pointed at?”

Apparently funny, but this somehow makes me think what all my furniture is pointed at- what is my goal in life. Earn money, have fun and lead a ‘happy life’. Is that it? There again, the problem of standards comes up. For me happiness is a state of mind. I need not have a ‘lot’ of money, (if such a thing is possible), and still be happy.

Digression apart, simply put, my aim in life is to reach a state where I am unaffected by surroundings and at the same time also not affecting my surrounding, while living- which might seem to be oxymoronic. That state is probably what they call death- but you can’t be sure either. I am more in the stage of trying to catch my own tail, going in circles right now. If that is possible somehow, it would be an example of ‘living’ while being unaffected by life. (Ref: Bhagavad Gita Chapter 9- a Sanyasi and a Karma yogi in one).

Let us assume life is a thermodynamic cycle and we are the system in question. Society is our environment. I have to stratify ‘society’ speaking from my viewpoint. Society for me implies the immediate neighborhood, that which affects me directly. I may shake hands with person A, who shook hands with person B. But that doesn’t mean I shook hands with person B. So person A is part of my society and I give a damn about B, so to speak.

My society affects me and I affect my society. I take something from the society and debatably give back to it. I am of the view that from a social point of view, man has three stages in life. In the first stage, he is taking from the society- the TAKE stage (eg: resource utilization). The second state is where he is independent of the society- the INDependent stage. A third stage where he is giving back to the society – the GIVE stage (eg: tax).

A quick mix-n-match will tell you that one can be in both the TAKE and GIVE stages simultaneously. There need not be an IND or a GIVE stage at all in someone’s life (or have insignificant amount of these stages). But I am of the opinion and you may disagree that every person has a TAKE stage. Sometimes there is a dynamic balance between the GIVE and TAKE stages for every system (person). Again I am of the opinion that on an average, per system (person) the TAKE is higher than the GIVE.

Now I have to stop my generalization and speak of India only – mostly because I am an Indian, not by choice again but in spite of and yet.

When I said society, I am not talking about the irregularities in the society (and unwilling to open that can of worms here yet). When I said GIVE stage and the example of tax, I did not elaborate on the recipient of this stage- which is undoubtedly the society but this is a heterogenous distribution (pun intentionally unintended). So our GIVE stage especially in the Indian society context must have two stratifications. One is the plain GIVE stage (lets call it GIVE1) and the other with an enhanced “distribution” function GIVE2.

As you may already have guessed, I have a view of an engineer in my mind when I talk about all this- I am assuming you stopped reading otherwise. My TAKE stage is to an extent, on-going. I have utilized resources during my childhood and the society has spent them on me vehemently- the fruit of which is my becoming an engineer. Of course there was an inherent self-effort involved etc, but I am sure you see what I intend to say. My TAKE stage although ongoing is insignificant.

I now work in the US where I get my salary, where I pay my tax and where I basically live. So as far as Indian society is concerned, I am in my IND stage. As far as I am concerned, there is now a deficit in the Indian society. This is probably how brain drain works. And this is definitely not good for India. An argument against this would be about having a less efficient GIVE stage if I were in India. Let me reserve more comments on this for later.

The perfect resonance for this model, as I see it, is in having no IND stage, a larger GIVE1 stage (which is a combination of the otherwise GIVE1 and IND stages) and an efficient GIVE2 stage.

Maybe I am only looking at the problem at a different angle. Let me venture into giving a solution using this model. How to make the GIVE2 stage efficient? Rather, when will GIVE2 be efficient? I think it is efficient when there is a network – or an ORGanization. The importance of an Organization is the goal it provides, the TV in the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. example. The alignment of views is one of the most important thing according to me. There are and have been organizations which have been working in the GIVE2 stage in India. Apart from the alignment on issues topic, the only other thing why I think India is still a Third World Nation is because of the improper management and monitoring of these organizations.

I have come across a lot of Indians who ponder about the intellectual standard of an average Indian being equal if not higher to the people from developed countries but still us lagging behind. My answer to them is this: Ferrimagnetics. These are materials which, have magnetic domains within them but are not aligned properly. So in effect they cancel out each other and the resultant magnetic property is zero. We are so like this. Indians, if we work together as an organized and efficient society getting rid of our infighting, are bound to progress fast to a great future.

<--To be continued-->

Side Note: (If I were to take this further, for any given system and its surrounding, overall entropy always increases- which for me is analogous to the overall mess we generate through our interactions – it is funny, how closely we can relate to a thermodynamic cycle, philosophically)

Lakshya to... Har haal mein paana hai

Frustrated with life. Thats how I can describe my mood. But wait! On second thoughts, frustrated with self, I stand self-corrected. It happens to me sometimes- I just pause, sit still and look back at my life, as in what I have done, what I actually wanted to do and where I am currently heading. Today was one such day. Basically I was jobless for a change- its like making up for the 18 hours I (literally) put in a stinky cleanroom suit yesterday. Such occasions are ideal for self-introspection, they say. What started this process, I will never know, nor do I want to know- its not important as I see it. What is important is that eerie feeling you get when you suddenly realize that some things you have lost, you will never get. Time included. Let me clarify:

I have always been this average guy in life, never at ease with self and with always some room to improve, which on second thoughts isn't a bad thing, like my professor would put it- "No matter who you are, you can always improve." I was lucky in many sense, to have gotten into the best college in the country for my Masters and the best professor in the Department- and yes, no "low branch" funda by any effing stretch of imagination. There's this thing about me and imaginations- I never get a hang of anyone else's. Its all right up in that brain and I aint no good in reading them.

With this background, I pass out of this college where I have spent some of the best days of my life- not exactly with flying colors- but I was satisfied with whatever I did back there - extra-curricular activities included. I also had a decent job- nay- a job with a decent salary when I packed my bags off. Definitions of decency can be many and varied. For salaries, mine would read "that which is above average"- not that for an average person any other would suit. My job was being jobless basically in places I never dreamt of- exotic would not be exaggeration.

It takes a while to get used to different environments- I was told. "Cultural differences" were there, but it didn't matter much to me, in fact I was happy to be in a foreign place where moustaches were considered assets. But presently the environment that I am talking about is the 'corporate environment'. Coming from a research field, it is rather difficult to adjust to a place where 'showing' the work you have not done is the only way up the ladder and there seems to be a rush at the bottom of it. But I am not cribbing. When it comes to preferences and choices, I am of the opinion that individuals must adjust rather than asking the institution to, which is again a whole gamut of individuals to change their selves. That, or there is always a way out.

I guess its the paycheck and the buying power it brought along that kept my concentration wavering from the what I actually wanted to do- a career in research. Having excessive 'shit' jobs didn't exactly help either, but then, American companies do not run on losses often. Wondering why I was paid for drawing straight lines between 20 points - often killing points that don't agree with me- I spent the first one and a half-ish years. What didn't struck until now was it was ONE and a HALF YEARS of wasted (arguably) human resource. I sit back and think about it- rethink if I may, so as to justify the title- what I wanted to do in life. My career is certainly not corporate -management and finance have always been unfriendly to me, the subjects as much as the terms. Research- yes. Oh yeah! Now we have the solution.

Or so I thought. Implementation is another thing. Arm chair philosophy rocks until it sees a world out of paper. GRE! hmm, heard that before. I am certainly not good at mugging and lethargic after the corporate stint goes without saying. So I mug 18 lists in 3 weeks. Thats like a record for me. And then comes the decision- to actually take the test up.

Also a decision is usually made at this time for the universities to apply for. I make a list of say 15 colleges to shortlist from. And then struck the blow. I am applying for August and its the last day of November of the previous year. The deadline for application is first week of January!! I was taking this easy. No more, I say to myself. I go and check for dates for taking up the GRE test- unavailable not atleast till February. And I am like- not all people were sleeping. Or atleast woke up faster than I did.

What remains to be said? Those old friends- bottles of spirits and cigarettes, eh? No ways. The thin red line has moved over time owing to incidents, which, when I look back will be some of the most treasured ones- yes, hard as it may be to believe, I HAVE QUIT. I say to myself- shit happens and its perfectly obvious that I blame everything else- system, corporate world, GRE, Universities and everyone. But truth will prevail - It is my mistake. I lost my time, I was lethargic and there is no second to that.

It also is a time to panic- Writing to all your professors who have the patience to try and put some common sense in you. Well, extremely unfortunate for them to have had someone like me as a student. And if I were an astrologer- Saturn would be the approximation what I have been to them. It also reminds the wise words of a few friends who had sanity floating around. Who else to ignore those rants than yours truly?

Apart from the great day I had with all such fact-finding and soul-searching, Murphy comes into play and more things get screwed up- elsewhere and leaves me what I currently am -irritated- at self.

This I say to myself: Time is lost- no doubt, but I have learnt my lesson. I will have my next chance and I have no intentions of messing up then. Sense must be re-defined as: NOT repeating your mistakes, if there is another already. Life couldn't get any worse and you must have heard people crib- but I am different. Nietzsche once said, "That which does not kill you, makes you more tough". So, Life, throw what you can at me. I am saner.

Meanwhile my iPod plays:
"Haan, yehi rasta hai tera, tune ab jaana hai.,
Haan yehi sapna hai tera, tune pehchaana hai,
Tujhe ab yeh dikhana hai...
roke tujhko aandhiyaan ya zammen ya aasmaan, paayega jo lakshya hai tera....
Lakshya to har hal mein paana hai"

Sanity rocks, still, I discover - a little late nonetheless