Sunday, December 03, 2006

Why I believe in a God? (and still maintain I am an atheist)

(Please note: This is a real life experience and deemed hazardous to health. And beware- The interpretations are only and wholly yours).

Knock! Knock! It was early in the morning- 10AM to be precise. It had been a while since I had gotten up as early. I woke up grunting profanities and opened my door. There was no one outside. My friends played prank on me all the time but not now... during exams when everyone would be digging up their (and others') notes. A passing thought claimed it must've been my roomie, but he was out answering one of his own! naah! I shut the door - almost.

I noticed it then. A yellow note attached onto the door from the outside. Ah! so someone stuck it on and went away was my guess. I took it and read it out aloud: "Prakash Kini, please see me at once- $$$". I shuddered. That was my project advisor. And a summon meant something was wrong (and more importantly, I was supposed to rectify it). This person was the best in business- which, sometimes, makes it difficult to be appreciated. I wasnt in the best books of my advisor, but I was not doing badly in my project work inspite of my course load - 17 credits plus 0:4 lab in my second semester in IISc.

Life in IISc can be very demanding. And that challange is what makes you, what you will end up as, when you leave the portals of this great Institute. But certain challenges, I was unwilling to undertake, for instance - foregoing sleep. ME students are expected to work on their projects starting third semester culminating into a interim project report. And then one semster dedicated to research. But my advisor wanted me to get going from the second sem onwards.

As I dressed up, thoughts of me getting - in IISc slang- screwed, came to my mind. But I assumed, since I had just answered an exam the previous evening and was supposed to answer one more that afternoon, I would be asked to pay attention to project and let off. I hurried to a friend, who gleefully told me that the note was on the attendence register and he thought it would only be appropriate to bring that to my notice immediately. I realized that I could always bash him later but for now I had to meet my advisor immediately.

As I entered my lab, I saw my professor fuming at a labmate- uh oh! spells trouble. I meekly stood by the door and waited for my turn. As he was done with Maddy, he turned to me and asked me for a report on some stuff he had asked me to complete that week. I replied I couldnt complete it and was about to state my reason, when I noticed my advisor would have none of it. He shouted at me for being lazy and not completing my work. After this, I do not remember anything. There is a state I get to, when after the threshold is crossed, my brain stops responding. It happens rarely but it happens nevertheless.

The last I heard him say was: "I want this one done by 4 PM". Thats when I felt the jolt. I had to turn in this one AND write an exam. I pleaded that I be given some time but apparently, couldnt make my point. I saw no returns in thinking about what to do and set down completing my project work. and complete I did, (with a lot of errors- I came to know this later on) after which I went on to take up my test. I was about 45 mintues late into the (3 hour) exam and could answer about 75% of the questions. The worse part was, I couldnt refresh my mind and did not answer it to the best of my abilities.

This made me think whether I must continue on with this (to be frank, 'put up with this' is what I thought back then). No, hold on. If you are thinking I am blaming my advisor, you are mistaken. If A is not compatible with B, no assumption of A or B being good or bad can be made (without an error in judgement, that is). Incompatibility is an issue of mutual interaction not working- and that is it. For one, if there was any shortcoming, it must have been in me.

A thought of changing your Advisor was one thing- actually thinking you can do it is another but doing it is unthinkable (or atleast was).I do not know why I ended up thinking that I must talk to some Professor from my department then. But that is what I thought was the best step to take. The trouble was whom do I go to? Now, Vikram Jayaram (VJ) is one name that came to my mind. It must have been because of the 2 courses of his that I had taken in the first semester. This person would toy with us - 'proud' BE grads with top all India rankings- like bread and butter, in class. It wasnt just his way of teaching that influenced us all but his way of thinking. If there ever was a good teacher here was one.

I was jittery as I headed into his lab- and while waiting for my turn to speak to him, I was weighing my odds. I realized that I dont stand a chance and was about to turn back when VJ called me. For meetings like this, you usually think up a strategy and go in- and I definitely didnt have one. I jumped onto a chair without being asked to sit (VJ doesnt mind formalities) and stared at him for a couple of seconds. Words didnt flow out (not that I was thinking then). "Yes, Mr Kini?", boom! All my attempts at trying to think just blew away. I tend to get skeptic when odds are against me and the only thought that occured to me was why would anyone encourage me, given my stance? I dont know what compelled me to believe in this person, and I blurted out "I want to change my Project Advisor". A normal feedback you expect from your professor at this stage is a scream translating roughly to "WHA...AT?". On the contrary, VJ asked me why. And that, there, precisely at that point, I knew he would understand me. And I blurted out my story. He listened to me patiently, not interrupting even once. At the end of it, he asked me whom I wanted to work with, what I wanted to work upon and my plans and so forth. My replies were all direct and simple. I said I wanted to work with him and wanted to get into academics and so on. He laughed back wondering out loud, why all students wanted to get into academics - something which I dont have an answer for, even today.

Next Monday, I was summoned before the Departmental Chairman and asked to explain. Dr Natarajan was also kind and patient and evaluated the depth of my reasoning and finally when he saw that I was adamant and stubborn (attributes which go well with me, to date), he asked me to get consent from my advisor. My advisor was understandably upset when I talked to him about this and signed my resignation letter and threw it back at me- yes, literally.

After this incident, I went back to VJ. The first thing VJ told me then was this, "If you are thinking I will be any more linient, you are wrong". Then we talked about what I would do and other technical stuff before he let me go with a list of things to do (background reading etc). I realized that I will have to work hard and I had my point to moot. Not only did I have to prove myself to others, but more so to myself. A person had believed in me and taken the pains to help out a student and now was my time to atleast not dissapoint him.

I then concentrated on my course work and parallely worked on my project. The time that followed in IISc were the golden moments of my life. With excellent company from my labmates and friends, I was on the right track. Time and time again, I would report back to VJ and always get encouragement from him. VJ never gave an answer back when I was in doubt- it would always be a case of him asking me the questions and I trying to find suitable answers, and when I knew I couldnt answer, I knew what exactly my problem was.

Few incidents come flying to my mind where VJ was really unhappy with my work. One particular incident was just after a symposium he had organized, where I was busy with the arrangements etc and had little focussed on my ongoing research. I must admit that I was a little careless then. Right after the symposia got over, VJ asked me for a report and when I answered back saying I was busy in the symposium, he only looked back in his inimitable style and replied thus, "You are here to learn something, and inspite of what you do other than that, that is what you will carry back with you. It is your own grave, dig as deep as you want it to be". I dont know if any other words have made more effect on me than these, but given my weak memory and that I remember this, it must have made atleast a significant one. That also made me realize that VJ doesnt care about how much time you spend in the lab, how much time you spend reading a book or how well your shirt is ironed. What matters is if I was doing what I was supposed to do.- learn something.The fact that he thought I was responsible enough for my actions made me responsible- (not that I wasnt, but yes, sometimes that jolt is what I require). He made it amply clear to me time and again that the ability to question self (and find the right answer) is the most important character a scientist must posess.

Also etched in my memory is the case where I had bungled up a 'simple' calculation- converting pounds per inch squared(lbf/in2) to newtons (kgf/m2) and was interpreting the result differently. It was anamolous and interesting the way it seemed. When I revealed my calculations to him, and when he found out my mistake, he reclined back on his chair and calmly asked me about it. I was actually relieved that it was a 'simple' calculation error - for a second. And then I saw VJ pretty angry - as angry as I have seen him to date. He was not (I think) as angry that I made this 'simple' error, as he was about the fact that I was taking it easy. It wasnt meant to be! He lectured me about why I was not henceforth reliable and how foolish I was to take it easy. He made me see the point about why remaining focussed is important.

As I came out of his room, the one fact that stuck me was his ability to see through actions. It made me feel very happy that he tried to correct me and not the error. That is VJ's greatness. He would hurt you to kill your pride and ego. And once beyond it, all your research problems are merely a question of time. Many times, the answer is within us and we only have to overcome ourselves to get to it.

During my thesis presentation, a professor questioned me about something that I thought was pretty simple and answered all around it. When he re-iterated the question a couple of times and when I (sort of) scoffed and gave out the answer, I took time to notice VJ's face, which was expressionless. After the presentation was over, I was asked to go to his room where VJ reprimanded me for my actions. I realized then that no matter how great your work is, you are evaluated at how well you can communicate it to others. Being shouted at may just be supericial, but the impression that it carries on is important.

VJ would discourage me from going for a PhD and take up a job whenever I talked to him about it- even now. And I always wondered why. Two and a half years out of IISc I realize that my commitment for PhD is stronger than when it was back then. I see that it is important for a student to realize something thoroughly in order to achieve it. The point of WHY I want to do a PhD (my next blog) should be addressed more. It is also gainful to get to know your options before you choose. And today, I realize why. Research is not easy. It requires patience and dedication. There will be times when you will look back and wonder if this was the right way to go. To be definitely sure, you require time to reflect on it yourself and appreciate if that is what you want to do. And once you have taken a firm decision, you must stand by it.

There are so many other things I have learnt from VJ (and many more because of him) that, probably, writing a blog will not suffice. I cannot agree there were Gods who performed great magic and require worship. They are great characters from the past whom we look up to as a role model. For a person who has had this much influence on me, I dont know what I can term as, other than God. Yes, God does exist.

This is VJ's homepage.