Lakshya to... Har haal mein paana hai

Frustrated with life. Thats how I can describe my mood. But wait! On second thoughts, frustrated with self, I stand self-corrected. It happens to me sometimes- I just pause, sit still and look back at my life, as in what I have done, what I actually wanted to do and where I am currently heading. Today was one such day. Basically I was jobless for a change- its like making up for the 18 hours I (literally) put in a stinky cleanroom suit yesterday. Such occasions are ideal for self-introspection, they say. What started this process, I will never know, nor do I want to know- its not important as I see it. What is important is that eerie feeling you get when you suddenly realize that some things you have lost, you will never get. Time included. Let me clarify:

I have always been this average guy in life, never at ease with self and with always some room to improve, which on second thoughts isn't a bad thing, like my professor would put it- "No matter who you are, you can always improve." I was lucky in many sense, to have gotten into the best college in the country for my Masters and the best professor in the Department- and yes, no "low branch" funda by any effing stretch of imagination. There's this thing about me and imaginations- I never get a hang of anyone else's. Its all right up in that brain and I aint no good in reading them.

With this background, I pass out of this college where I have spent some of the best days of my life- not exactly with flying colors- but I was satisfied with whatever I did back there - extra-curricular activities included. I also had a decent job- nay- a job with a decent salary when I packed my bags off. Definitions of decency can be many and varied. For salaries, mine would read "that which is above average"- not that for an average person any other would suit. My job was being jobless basically in places I never dreamt of- exotic would not be exaggeration.

It takes a while to get used to different environments- I was told. "Cultural differences" were there, but it didn't matter much to me, in fact I was happy to be in a foreign place where moustaches were considered assets. But presently the environment that I am talking about is the 'corporate environment'. Coming from a research field, it is rather difficult to adjust to a place where 'showing' the work you have not done is the only way up the ladder and there seems to be a rush at the bottom of it. But I am not cribbing. When it comes to preferences and choices, I am of the opinion that individuals must adjust rather than asking the institution to, which is again a whole gamut of individuals to change their selves. That, or there is always a way out.

I guess its the paycheck and the buying power it brought along that kept my concentration wavering from the what I actually wanted to do- a career in research. Having excessive 'shit' jobs didn't exactly help either, but then, American companies do not run on losses often. Wondering why I was paid for drawing straight lines between 20 points - often killing points that don't agree with me- I spent the first one and a half-ish years. What didn't struck until now was it was ONE and a HALF YEARS of wasted (arguably) human resource. I sit back and think about it- rethink if I may, so as to justify the title- what I wanted to do in life. My career is certainly not corporate -management and finance have always been unfriendly to me, the subjects as much as the terms. Research- yes. Oh yeah! Now we have the solution.

Or so I thought. Implementation is another thing. Arm chair philosophy rocks until it sees a world out of paper. GRE! hmm, heard that before. I am certainly not good at mugging and lethargic after the corporate stint goes without saying. So I mug 18 lists in 3 weeks. Thats like a record for me. And then comes the decision- to actually take the test up.

Also a decision is usually made at this time for the universities to apply for. I make a list of say 15 colleges to shortlist from. And then struck the blow. I am applying for August and its the last day of November of the previous year. The deadline for application is first week of January!! I was taking this easy. No more, I say to myself. I go and check for dates for taking up the GRE test- unavailable not atleast till February. And I am like- not all people were sleeping. Or atleast woke up faster than I did.

What remains to be said? Those old friends- bottles of spirits and cigarettes, eh? No ways. The thin red line has moved over time owing to incidents, which, when I look back will be some of the most treasured ones- yes, hard as it may be to believe, I HAVE QUIT. I say to myself- shit happens and its perfectly obvious that I blame everything else- system, corporate world, GRE, Universities and everyone. But truth will prevail - It is my mistake. I lost my time, I was lethargic and there is no second to that.

It also is a time to panic- Writing to all your professors who have the patience to try and put some common sense in you. Well, extremely unfortunate for them to have had someone like me as a student. And if I were an astrologer- Saturn would be the approximation what I have been to them. It also reminds the wise words of a few friends who had sanity floating around. Who else to ignore those rants than yours truly?

Apart from the great day I had with all such fact-finding and soul-searching, Murphy comes into play and more things get screwed up- elsewhere and leaves me what I currently am -irritated- at self.

This I say to myself: Time is lost- no doubt, but I have learnt my lesson. I will have my next chance and I have no intentions of messing up then. Sense must be re-defined as: NOT repeating your mistakes, if there is another already. Life couldn't get any worse and you must have heard people crib- but I am different. Nietzsche once said, "That which does not kill you, makes you more tough". So, Life, throw what you can at me. I am saner.

Meanwhile my iPod plays:
"Haan, yehi rasta hai tera, tune ab jaana hai.,
Haan yehi sapna hai tera, tune pehchaana hai,
Tujhe ab yeh dikhana hai...
roke tujhko aandhiyaan ya zammen ya aasmaan, paayega jo lakshya hai tera....
Lakshya to har hal mein paana hai"

Sanity rocks, still, I discover - a little late nonetheless