Life Sucks

2007-04-04T19:08:00.000-06:00

You think you won? Perhaps you did......

British super-fools

2007-01-27T11:03:00.000-07:00

Check out this news about the 'liberal' attitude of two British MPs- Roger Godsiff and Jeremy Corbyn. They have demanded "justice" for the barbarian named Afzal. So they hold Anti India placards on Indias Republic day (and if you are wondering when that is, Jan 26th). They claim the trial Afzal has gotten is not fair.

Well, If you oppose a country on its Republic day, you are bound to get some media attention (there is a slang for all this- Keeda karna) and then Godsiff's Birmingham constituency has a large Muslim population, with roots in Pakistan-occupied Kashmir! My points are- 1. why Afzal only? 2. Why Republic day? 3. Why British Parliamentarians (given Afzal may only have had a fake British passport, if at all)? If you still do not get it, you probably, never will.

Now I dont know if brings me joy or frustrates me more, but am I glad to see appeasement outside India? For all the whining of the BJP, they would atleast be relieved to know fools exist everywhere.

A religious atheist

2007-01-18T22:33:00.000-07:00

In another of my adventures on the internet, I found this peice of priceless misunderstanding . What profoundly impressed me in this blog is how our thinking is influenced and how rigidly we manipulate happenings to fit our views (and nothing else). For example, the concept of God, religion and political thinking. Some old-timer, sane, dead person, once advised not to mix all three or was it the last two? Because, the one with God and religion was not something Macaulay-like people could see in their society. The concept of religion, a modern day person has, is of a headquarters issuing out step-by-step instructions on the upkeeping of morals. And this borrowed concept is imbibed into our society blindly. There, right there, exists the difference between an organized religion and others- like Hinduism.

An Abrahamic religion is an example of an organized religion. Thus, you are expected to go to a Church if you are a Christian or offer namaz if you are a Muslim. But ask any Hindu if there is a compulsary need for him to attend a sermon (or like some people think, watch Fox news!). Somehow, inspite of their experiences with it, people tend to apply a single-dimensional western outlook to Hinduism. (and whats more, call themselves liberal!). Better still, do a random check on social networking sites like Orkut for the number of Hindus (names might help -Eg: 'Krish'na is a Hindu name as a Muslim or a Christian rarely has this one ;-) who claim to be 'Atheist', 'Agnostic', 'Spiritual but not religious', 'Religious humanist' , 'Unitarian universalist', 'Neo-paganist' etc as compared to people of any Abrahamic religion. It gives you quite the indication why Hinduism is, in reality, a liberal 'religion' unlike otherwise percieved and why they are different.

Whats with God and religion? Every religion has a God. Yes, definitely so, in an Abrahamic religion only. I challenge any Hindu, atheist or whoever to try and show me why a Hindu must believe in a God. Or why my political leaning cant be Right and I cant be an atheist at the same time. I can loathe the self-proclaimed liberals and still be an atheist and no self-hater can stop me from doing that.

"One who fights a monster, becomes one himself"-Neitzsche. Atheism is belief in non-existence of God. And like all other religious fundamentalists, atheistic fundamentlists will always claim to be intellectually superior. Even an Osama Bin Laden can claim superiority of intellect by default. For any frog in the well, the well is the ocean- Is it even a surprise?

All Atheists need not be liberal or rational and we have examples to show that. I end with this dialogue from RHTDM to the men of 'wisdom': "Chashma utaar aur duniya dekh".

PS: For all claims on superiority-by-non-existence-of-proof, try explaining Law of conservation of energy and creation of matter on the same blackboard. And unlike others, this religious atheist welcomes liberal, conservative or confused views. :-)

Some words....

2007-01-18T00:01:00.000-07:00

Ah, I had decided I wont post more than one blog a day but then i come across this one and am so(ooo) given into it that I couldnt resist. Some words just inspire you so much...(that you decide to blog on them!). For example, consider this stanza, I came across from my random internet browsing:

Tujko peeda mein dhundhungi, (तुझको पीड़ा में ढूंढूंगी)

Tumme dhundhungi peeda (तुझमें ढूंढूंगी पीड़ा)

(I'll search you in pain,

I'll search pain in you)

This is from Mahadevi Varma's Neer bhari dukh ki badli (I am a nimbus cloud of sorrow). Wow, so much depth in those words. That is precisely what strikes me in great poets/ writers. After you have gone through the whole story/ poem, you relaize it was just another simple story but I guess its the way it touches you that makes it awesome.

I am no fan of Fiction but I read philosophy, science, history and political writings. But a few of them you cannot afford to miss out: Great Expectations (Charles dickens), Mill on the floss (George Eliot), Adventures of Huckleberry Finn(Mark Twain), Nirmala and Godaan (Munshi Premchand), Pushp ki abhilasha (Makhanlal Chaturvedi), Mera Naya bachpan (Subhadra Kumari Chauhan). This is a decent site for all those people who like hindi poems. Also I had read this essay (X std, AP Board syllabus, I language Hindi) called "Nakhoon kyon badhte hain?" by Suryakanth Tripathi 'Nirala' (I think) I want to read it again, does anyone know if its available on the net??

Looks like book review is coming up next. Man, life is getting so exciting. Wonder why I still go with 'Life Sucks'. ;)

On maturity

2007-01-17T22:57:00.000-07:00

Over the last few days, I feel I have grown-up and this must come as a respite to the numerous divine souls on orkut or otherwise who have requested me to (well, dont get too excited- I say this because I am getting my wisdom tooth now). What gives me this feeling is something I realized when I was talking to someone today.

In life you generally do not end up getting what you wanted, atleast not always. My general perception of a life-well-lived used to be the one where you could get most of what you wanted and could blatantly blame what you didnt, on parents, dog or luck- strictly in that order. (Thomas Brugenzi, no, that still wasnt me). Life would really get messy with thinking about it time and again and so on. In the end, I still would end up not far from where I had begun- only this time, I would hate myself so much more for not being able to get it. Such arrogancy!

I now realize that a big part of maturity, and that is wholly my thought because this is my blog, is to know when to give up and more importantly, how to give up what you dont get. In other words, it is realizing how good you are and living fully within that matrix. When I say "how good you are", I do not mean obviously your looks or piousness or religiosity et al., its more of knowing how much pressure you can handle in a given situation.

I see a lot of people define their lives by saving money, apparently for tomorrow. (And if I were to believe the 'sooth'sayer next door, not for much long). People are so involved in living their lives for tomorrow that they forget they have to live today and by doing so they make sure that tomorrow never comes! Its nice to be thinking of the future, securing your and your family's future and all that but seriously one must take a deep breath and relax, have a cup of coffee or two and do something they really like doing.

Happiness is a state of your mind and we obviously so look for it outside. Life comes at you and you dont want to live?I end with this verse from Chandogya Upanishad (which I think is in context, although you may not):
Yo vai bhuma tat sukham;
Nalpe sukham asti Bhumaiva sukham

And finally the disclaimer: It might just appear that I am being extravagantly faking knowledge but, believe me, that isnt the case. I am still as much stupid as you last knew me, only (perhaps) I spoke that much less. (For people finding it hard to believe- I am quite an introvert, when and if you ever meet me, (your) God forbid, touch wood).

I like.....

2007-01-15T19:49:00.000-07:00

I was very influenced by Anurag's Must watch blog (and character, but lets keep that aside for today). I am definitely not good at movies (except that I have watched RHTDM 133 times in all -swear not for Diya Mirza... or that guy.... or any of the guys or gals- damn its so difficult to be precise and yes if something else is brewing in that mind of yours- no, it was just for the story- I liked it). My list of movies would include that one and Pulp fiction, Forrest Gump, Ben Hur, Ameircan Pie, Naa ninna bidalaare (Kannada) and Hungama (Hindi). In all other movies I have been in, I have either slept off or irritated my neighbor so much that they didnt talk to me for a long time. (After watching a few others, I cribbed badly on Orkut and got thrown out of a couple of communities).

When it comes to tv shows, I love That 70s show, Swat Kats, Friends and South Park. Thats pretty much it.

Ok heres my favourite. Music. I love it -any kind. As long as its loud and as long as I have coffee next to me I can stay. (I have a coffee mug that inspires the life out of me: "Life's short, Stay Awake"). So heres what I am going to do: I will post the music I like and youtube links to it. And I will keep updating it and date it so you know if theres anything new (Its funny I just thought what if no one ever read it? See, that would be insane. But who cares. Most things we do are Insane.) Also let me know your personal favourites. So here is my list for today:

Date: January 15th 2006
Genre: Rock and pop

1. Coldplay- Clocks
2. Cyndi Lauper- Time after time
3. Guns N Roses- :Sweet Child of Mine, November Rain
4. Metallica: Wherever I may roam (An all time favourite), Nothing Else matters, Enter Sandman, One, Unforgiven II
5. U2:Elevation, Vertigo
6. Greenday:Boulevard of Broken Dreams
7. RHCP:Californication
8 Iron Maiden:Educated Fool (another favourite)
9. Linkin Park:PaperCut, Numb, Somewhere I belong, Crawling, One step closer, In the end, Faint
10. Three Days Grace:Animal I have become, I hate everything about you
11. Robbie Williams: Feel
12. Engima: Gravity of Love
13. Dire Straits: Sultans of Swing
14. Creed: Sacrifice, Higher
15. Hoobastank: The reason
16. Evanescence: Everybodys fool, My immortal
17. Eagles: Hotel California
18. Pink Floyd: Comfortably Numb
19. Maroon5: Shiver
20. Bond: Explosive, Shine

About me

2007-01-14T12:29:00.000-07:00

I am disillusioned to put it mildly. But when someone asks me to describe myself, I go blank. I mean, for all you know, that is all I may just be but le me try and describe myself and venture to look at what others think of themselves.

Orkut is one place where you find this question and many people go ....daaaaaaaaaaamn it, yuuuuck or the likes. And then there are some who are the "I am me" types. Some self-anointed-wit-masters come up with nutty quotes like "its a two letter word" or "Ithink I am odd, I think I agree" and stuff. But I seriously doubt if anyone asked you that in an interview, you would come up with anything remotely what you put up in your orkut profile.

Life is so damn strange. You get a PhD in Material Science and can describe the domain interaction in the most complex semiconductor material, but you cannot clearly define yourself. Atleast I cant. No, neither can I explain the domain interaction well nor do I have a PhD but you get the point. Many people in a formal interview that I have been around in start off with, my name is so-and-so, I am from so-and-so, I have a degree ....blah blah blah. Yeah! got it. I guess I asked tou to describe yourself and not the degrees you've got or the best restaurant in the place you come from. So who the hell are you, now.

So, Who am I? I now go venturing out into self-description (and to an extent, hate) after a lot of thought .. umm no... after a lot of being in some kind of a state where you appear to be thinking . So forbear at your own prerogative. Heres what I think about me:

I suck at most things in life. And I dont give a damn about the rest.

To know more about the nit-wit kind of shit you are used to, go and have a look at my homepage or orkut profile (if you can find me, that is). Life sucks man. Damn it does. You ******* even dont know yourself.

Ok, I was just told I am very insensitive. I think I agree.

Why I believe in a God? (and still maintain I am an atheist)

2006-12-03T19:22:00.000-07:00

(Please note: This is a real life experience and deemed hazardous to health. And beware- The interpretations are only and wholly yours).

Knock! Knock! It was early in the morning- 10AM to be precise. It had been a while since I had gotten up as early. I woke up grunting profanities and opened my door. There was no one outside. My friends played prank on me all the time but not now... during exams when everyone would be digging up their (and others') notes. A passing thought claimed it must've been my roomie, but he was out answering one of his own! naah! I shut the door - almost.

I noticed it then. A yellow note attached onto the door from the outside. Ah! so someone stuck it on and went away was my guess. I took it and read it out aloud: "Prakash Kini, please see me at once- $$$". I shuddered. That was my project advisor. And a summon meant something was wrong (and more importantly, I was supposed to rectify it). This person was the best in business- which, sometimes, makes it difficult to be appreciated. I wasnt in the best books of my advisor, but I was not doing badly in my project work inspite of my course load - 17 credits plus 0:4 lab in my second semester in IISc.

Life in IISc can be very demanding. And that challange is what makes you, what you will end up as, when you leave the portals of this great Institute. But certain challenges, I was unwilling to undertake, for instance - foregoing sleep. ME students are expected to work on their projects starting third semester culminating into a interim project report. And then one semster dedicated to research. But my advisor wanted me to get going from the second sem onwards.

As I dressed up, thoughts of me getting - in IISc slang- screwed, came to my mind. But I assumed, since I had just answered an exam the previous evening and was supposed to answer one more that afternoon, I would be asked to pay attention to project and let off. I hurried to a friend, who gleefully told me that the note was on the attendence register and he thought it would only be appropriate to bring that to my notice immediately. I realized that I could always bash him later but for now I had to meet my advisor immediately.

As I entered my lab, I saw my professor fuming at a labmate- uh oh! spells trouble. I meekly stood by the door and waited for my turn. As he was done with Maddy, he turned to me and asked me for a report on some stuff he had asked me to complete that week. I replied I couldnt complete it and was about to state my reason, when I noticed my advisor would have none of it. He shouted at me for being lazy and not completing my work. After this, I do not remember anything. There is a state I get to, when after the threshold is crossed, my brain stops responding. It happens rarely but it happens nevertheless.

The last I heard him say was: "I want this one done by 4 PM". Thats when I felt the jolt. I had to turn in this one AND write an exam. I pleaded that I be given some time but apparently, couldnt make my point. I saw no returns in thinking about what to do and set down completing my project work. and complete I did, (with a lot of errors- I came to know this later on) after which I went on to take up my test. I was about 45 mintues late into the (3 hour) exam and could answer about 75% of the questions. The worse part was, I couldnt refresh my mind and did not answer it to the best of my abilities.

This made me think whether I must continue on with this (to be frank, 'put up with this' is what I thought back then). No, hold on. If you are thinking I am blaming my advisor, you are mistaken. If A is not compatible with B, no assumption of A or B being good or bad can be made (without an error in judgement, that is). Incompatibility is an issue of mutual interaction not working- and that is it. For one, if there was any shortcoming, it must have been in me.

A thought of changing your Advisor was one thing- actually thinking you can do it is another but doing it is unthinkable (or atleast was).I do not know why I ended up thinking that I must talk to some Professor from my department then. But that is what I thought was the best step to take. The trouble was whom do I go to? Now, Vikram Jayaram (VJ) is one name that came to my mind. It must have been because of the 2 courses of his that I had taken in the first semester. This person would toy with us - 'proud' BE grads with top all India rankings- like bread and butter, in class. It wasnt just his way of teaching that influenced us all but his way of thinking. If there ever was a good teacher here was one.

I was jittery as I headed into his lab- and while waiting for my turn to speak to him, I was weighing my odds. I realized that I dont stand a chance and was about to turn back when VJ called me. For meetings like this, you usually think up a strategy and go in- and I definitely didnt have one. I jumped onto a chair without being asked to sit (VJ doesnt mind formalities) and stared at him for a couple of seconds. Words didnt flow out (not that I was thinking then). "Yes, Mr Kini?", boom! All my attempts at trying to think just blew away. I tend to get skeptic when odds are against me and the only thought that occured to me was why would anyone encourage me, given my stance? I dont know what compelled me to believe in this person, and I blurted out "I want to change my Project Advisor". A normal feedback you expect from your professor at this stage is a scream translating roughly to "WHA...AT?". On the contrary, VJ asked me why. And that, there, precisely at that point, I knew he would understand me. And I blurted out my story. He listened to me patiently, not interrupting even once. At the end of it, he asked me whom I wanted to work with, what I wanted to work upon and my plans and so forth. My replies were all direct and simple. I said I wanted to work with him and wanted to get into academics and so on. He laughed back wondering out loud, why all students wanted to get into academics - something which I dont have an answer for, even today.

Next Monday, I was summoned before the Departmental Chairman and asked to explain. Dr Natarajan was also kind and patient and evaluated the depth of my reasoning and finally when he saw that I was adamant and stubborn (attributes which go well with me, to date), he asked me to get consent from my advisor. My advisor was understandably upset when I talked to him about this and signed my resignation letter and threw it back at me- yes, literally.

After this incident, I went back to VJ. The first thing VJ told me then was this, "If you are thinking I will be any more linient, you are wrong". Then we talked about what I would do and other technical stuff before he let me go with a list of things to do (background reading etc). I realized that I will have to work hard and I had my point to moot. Not only did I have to prove myself to others, but more so to myself. A person had believed in me and taken the pains to help out a student and now was my time to atleast not dissapoint him.

I then concentrated on my course work and parallely worked on my project. The time that followed in IISc were the golden moments of my life. With excellent company from my labmates and friends, I was on the right track. Time and time again, I would report back to VJ and always get encouragement from him. VJ never gave an answer back when I was in doubt- it would always be a case of him asking me the questions and I trying to find suitable answers, and when I knew I couldnt answer, I knew what exactly my problem was.

Few incidents come flying to my mind where VJ was really unhappy with my work. One particular incident was just after a symposium he had organized, where I was busy with the arrangements etc and had little focussed on my ongoing research. I must admit that I was a little careless then. Right after the symposia got over, VJ asked me for a report and when I answered back saying I was busy in the symposium, he only looked back in his inimitable style and replied thus, "You are here to learn something, and inspite of what you do other than that, that is what you will carry back with you. It is your own grave, dig as deep as you want it to be". I dont know if any other words have made more effect on me than these, but given my weak memory and that I remember this, it must have made atleast a significant one. That also made me realize that VJ doesnt care about how much time you spend in the lab, how much time you spend reading a book or how well your shirt is ironed. What matters is if I was doing what I was supposed to do.- learn something.The fact that he thought I was responsible enough for my actions made me responsible- (not that I wasnt, but yes, sometimes that jolt is what I require). He made it amply clear to me time and again that the ability to question self (and find the right answer) is the most important character a scientist must posess.

Also etched in my memory is the case where I had bungled up a 'simple' calculation- converting pounds per inch squared(lbf/in2) to newtons (kgf/m2) and was interpreting the result differently. It was anamolous and interesting the way it seemed. When I revealed my calculations to him, and when he found out my mistake, he reclined back on his chair and calmly asked me about it. I was actually relieved that it was a 'simple' calculation error - for a second. And then I saw VJ pretty angry - as angry as I have seen him to date. He was not (I think) as angry that I made this 'simple' error, as he was about the fact that I was taking it easy. It wasnt meant to be! He lectured me about why I was not henceforth reliable and how foolish I was to take it easy. He made me see the point about why remaining focussed is important.

As I came out of his room, the one fact that stuck me was his ability to see through actions. It made me feel very happy that he tried to correct me and not the error. That is VJ's greatness. He would hurt you to kill your pride and ego. And once beyond it, all your research problems are merely a question of time. Many times, the answer is within us and we only have to overcome ourselves to get to it.

During my thesis presentation, a professor questioned me about something that I thought was pretty simple and answered all around it. When he re-iterated the question a couple of times and when I (sort of) scoffed and gave out the answer, I took time to notice VJ's face, which was expressionless. After the presentation was over, I was asked to go to his room where VJ reprimanded me for my actions. I realized then that no matter how great your work is, you are evaluated at how well you can communicate it to others. Being shouted at may just be supericial, but the impression that it carries on is important.

VJ would discourage me from going for a PhD and take up a job whenever I talked to him about it- even now. And I always wondered why. Two and a half years out of IISc I realize that my commitment for PhD is stronger than when it was back then. I see that it is important for a student to realize something thoroughly in order to achieve it. The point of WHY I want to do a PhD (my next blog) should be addressed more. It is also gainful to get to know your options before you choose. And today, I realize why. Research is not easy. It requires patience and dedication. There will be times when you will look back and wonder if this was the right way to go. To be definitely sure, you require time to reflect on it yourself and appreciate if that is what you want to do. And once you have taken a firm decision, you must stand by it.

There are so many other things I have learnt from VJ (and many more because of him) that, probably, writing a blog will not suffice. I cannot agree there were Gods who performed great magic and require worship. They are great characters from the past whom we look up to as a role model. For a person who has had this much influence on me, I dont know what I can term as, other than God. Yes, God does exist.

This is VJ's homepage.

Foreign policy or phoren fallacy?

2006-11-28T22:24:00.000-07:00

In my opinion, Indians are innately foreign-philic people, and in our own way we take it to an exciting new (low) level. Anything made outside India is hence of ultimate value to us. We take pride in associating ourselves to other cultures and becoming a part of it. No, am not saying that it is a bad thing. But havent you noticed in yourself (assuming you are an Indian), the urge to 'adjust' to others? I mean atleast I reduce the spice content when I call an alien (not to be mistaken with the fortnightly dinner I have with E.T.'s) friend over for dinner, but was never, ever, treated to ingredients like salt, pepper etc when I went over. Examples can be numerous but content must not be over-made, it tends to lose significance.

I think, it is this part of it - the innate urge to modify ourselves to suit others, that makes us both a hospitable host and a culpable resource. It also, per yours truly again, dictates our politics- a foreigner will hold significance to us over anyone among ourselves. Not that I am against it, but what happened after the previous elections (what with Mr Manishankar Aiyyar weeping, nay begging, Sonia to take over the Presidentship of the CWC) is vehemently condemnable in my opinion. I do not deem it necessary that only an Indian (by birth) must hold dignified positions in our system, but seriously, what qualifications did Madame Sonia (sans the propinquity to Gandhian legacy, her alien origin and her oft-negated neagtion of taking over the citizenship of India until recently) have to offer that we chose her over the talented (at) self-hating followers of the Red Book? On second thoughts, lets not open that door.

The point I wish to make here is about how this mentality has affected our foreign policies. India's stance on foreign countries has always been a mild one. Thus inspite of a victory over our arch-rival (and also our most favoured nation- thats ludicrous) and neighbor and inspite of the march to Lahore we decided to play the 'peace -lover' card and gave back what we took over (and also a part of our own so they didnt feel bad, I guess). No, we dont want Lahore or Islamabad but my question is inspite of the victory why did we lose out on a part of J&K? I think our image as a peace loving nation is of more import to us than India itself. (For menial gibber on 'free will' of Kashmiris, I must plead my ignorance at why this is applicable to non-Kashmiri-Pundits of the valley only).

This feature of our earnest desire to appear as a peaceful country is so evident in the bid towards a permanent membershipin the UN Security Council. We actually go out of our way to plead others to catapult us into one of them- why? I dont know. Admittedly there are gains by being a permanent member of the SC of UN that is beyond my imagination. But according to me, its an elusive peice of carrot and we are after it. What gains it holds for us, is not clear- (unless we veot everything, which will make otehrs kick us out again). In a bilateral meeting with any given country, the Indian diplomat is often the dormant one- atleast definitely not the dominant one. I certainly do not understand this attempt to present ourselves as a tolerant and a peaceloving nation, not at the cost of our land, people and resources. It is a fact that we are a tolerant and a peace-loving nation, and it is abstractly banal to go forth and try to prove it.

The faults of our foriegn policy is clearly visible in our attitude towards Bangladesh. Bangladesh, even according to the overtly-left Human Rights organizations, has one of the highest rates of violece against the minority (read Hindu, for a change). Our policy towards immigrants (mostly non-Hindus) is still that of a welcome one. It might be humane to provide for illegal immigration, but given the context I must excuse myslef for not smoking pot. Economic conditions do drive people from BD into India but that gives rise to social problems given the restlessness of the immigrants. Debatably, Indian economy is not strong enough to sustain this influx either. But that is beside the point I am trying to make. Bangladesh was a part of Pakistan until 1971 and (I am told) because of an apathetic, nay antipathetic, Government in Pakistan, Bangladesh got its freedom. India supported the BD Liberation war (and according to what I heard, the militant Mukti Bahini). One can expect India to be a dominant partner in the Indo-BD relations. Turns out no. Indian soldiers are massacred along the border trying to prevent illegal immigration by the BD army- which is apparently trying to provide cover for them. What adds salt to the wound is the fact that the Indian Govt sans the 'strong condmenation' doesnt bat more than an eyelid (or two).

Some facts from Bangladesh Liberation War of '71, well documented

Killings and destruction in J&K is common news for Indians. What is more trite is the response we deliver- the message that is going out- to the trouble makers. The 'strong condemnations' and the 'final warnings' have had no effect whatsoever on the terrorist outlook, as evinced in the current state of affairs along the LOC with Pakistan. It surprises me more than it saddens that the response of an average Indian to this is a casual shrug-of-shoulders. It depicts the loss of faith in the system- and it is a very dangerous thing. Former US President Kennedy once said "If you dont like something, voice it out. If you dont do something, get to like it". Resignation to condemnation is like commiting suicide when confronted (not quite, but something as drastic).

What more can point to the shortcomings of our foreign policy than our attitude towards China? Right from the age when 'Pundit' Nehru decided that since no blade of grass grows in Siachen, it is useless to India, to the recent fumbles during the Chinese premiere's visit, our policy towards China has been weak, aquiscent and one of servitude. It is evident in the war of '62 where, while chanting slogans of "Hindi Chini bhai-bhai", we were brutally stabbed in the back and the Indian Army on bare foot in extreme weather conditions, basically sacrificed itself to moot the inefficacies of a certain 'Pundit'. (For people finding it difficult to shed tears, "Himalayan Blunder", if you can get a copy, is a definite recourse- yeah oh yeah, I wept too). What is shocking, is that we dont learn from our past mistakes!

During the recent Hu Jintao visit, We were busy preparing to sell our soul and spirit to the Chinese, while China was busy proclaiming its dominance (inspite of its claim of 'peaceful rise') in the media claiming Arunachal as its own. China has a strategic hold over India now, thanks to our 'yes saar' attitude towards foreign nations. Nepal which did see a Maoist takeover (despite the predictable Indian commie sulk that they must have killed Gyanendra and made a total anarchy possible) traces its roots to the Mao Tse Tung's Ministry of Foriegn Liason. China is more than happy to provide material support to Pakistan to fulfill its duties as a good neighbor and hence keep India in check. The story of Tibet is better not re-narrated. While paving way for mutual development is not a bad thing, it certainly must not come at the cost of self. Commies are free to disagree- atleast I did not prevent your right to free speech! Whats more, the Chinese President had the b@!!$ to ask India to not recognize Taiwan. Dare they!!

For more info on Indo-China relations, please refer to Claude Arpi .

India has a bright future, no doubt, but our limitations will arise from within- our approach to aliens. It is high time we start taking control of our future. Our future must atleast lie in our hands. In conclusion, I wish to quote, inspite of all my pessimistic views, this from the MEA, India site: "Satyam Eva Jayate".

Fatwas

2006-11-05T22:02:00.000-07:00

"It can be issued only by Ayatollah Sistani. Only his representatives in India can interpret them," he said. Nobody in India has the right to issue a fatwa for Shias, he added. ##

Are we progressing or going back to the dark ages? Why is this one religion so troubled? IF yo uthink I am poking my nose too much, and that I gotta act secular, I say open your eyes and look around you.

Prasthutha- Relevant thoughts for responsible people

2006-11-05T20:03:00.000-07:00

(Disclaimer: These are my thoughts on Prasthutha. Anyone is free to correct me if I am wrong on facts/causes behind effects. In here, I am only trying to justify my association with Prasthutha and why I consider that as a turning point in my life).

Prasthutha is a student organization of The Indian Institue of Science, which, I have proudly been associated with, during those two golden years back in IISc. Our catch line was "Relevant thoughts for responsible people". How relevant the thoughts were, and how responsible the people were, shouldnt be judged by how procrastinating I am. The aim of this organization when Rama and Nagesh came up with it, I am told, was to educate the young budding engineers about the current affairs and the Indian culture- minus the media-reinforced spin. Of course, you might argue researchers do not have time for all this... but seriously I only quit drinking tea for the umpteenth time- spent at most 20 mins/ day on average (and if you cant spare that much time from your research and still havent won a nobel prize, I say go find another job).

(In picture: a happy Prasthutha core group)

Prasthutha strived to bring in the experts on a particular subject to the researchers in IISc and present them with a chance and perspective to interact with the experts in the field. Praharshini is a cultural sister organization, which brings out programs on arts, yoga et al. Prasthutha also engages itself in organizing educational programmes/ quiz etc for the children of the employees of IISc and in Bangalore in general.

The way I see it, you cant be ONLY good at science, you have a social responsibility and that is precisely what struck me when "Leadru" (a friend, philosopher and guide.... ah, also my senior lab mate) introduced me to the gang (ue? ;) . I met a lot of people in Prasthutha- Ravi, Suresh (Leadru), Kow-boy, P J, and a host of others. We would invite dignitaries to speak on a wide range of topics and share the duties for accomplishing this among us. That in itself was fun. I remeber having been associated with the talks from Elst, Rajeev Srinivasan, Michel Danino et al.
Prathutha members were primarily PhD/ ME students and hence the link is critical. ME students leave in 2 years (of which the 1st year is ultra-grilling) and hence you effectively get just one year to be involved. Of late I have been informed that the membership in Prasthutha is on a slow decline. This indloent attitude of which I am no stranger to, is not healthy for us. For all you know it is more important to be aware of your Government, your Country and your Culture than most research work you can carry out in your lietime. This is my view and any clarifications will be meted out at request. {sarcastic} I agree people need not be aware of their culture to be truly patriotic. That, they can burn the flag of their country and still be patriotic. That, they can align with the enemies of their country and still be patriotic. or even worse, call siachen glacier a barren land unworthy of protection and still be a PM of our country and get to "Discover(y of) India"{sarcastic}

I have always been of the opinion that it is your duty to be a good citizen, that one must strive beyond his normal obligations towards one's society- of course to which most have been opposed to- with this argument that beyond your fixing the 4 bolts and nuts as an engineer and casti(gati)ng a vote to the local candidate and paying (or avoiding) taxes, you are not expected to be overtly a part of society to be a good citizen. I say, if this is so, you stand no right to be hypercritical of the lack of economic growth/ corruption or any of your other cribs in life. Criticizm, when delivered from an arm-chair has that much less worth than when associated with some responsibility/awareness. Speaking for India, our strength is our human resource. Awareness and aggressive involvement in our society is our backbone to development. And that is the "responsible" and its need in: "Relevant thoughts for responsible people". (I will elaborate on "relevant" sometime later). (Kindly also refer to another incomplete set: here)

Coming back to Prasthutha, when I left IISc, many of the ME students graduated with me and most PhD students were going out too. We feared for the fate of our organization. But with so many new and enthusiastic people coming over to the mainstage, our fears were allayed. My communications with the people back in IISc and in Prasthutha, enforces my view that good engineers/researchers can be responsible people of a society too. I was pretty tentative how much we could do to Prasthutha after we left IISc. But definitely dedication to a cause knows no boundaries of space and to an extent, time limitations. The aluminus constantly interact through email/groups. A few of us who can contribute financially do it to the best of our abilities and a few of us back in India also do the groundwork, the GIVE2 stage I mentioned in one of my previous post. In picture is Ravi and Shetty with a happy crowd of students/ teachers in a remote village in Chickmagalur in Karnataka.

(In Picture: Pradeep Shetty and Ravi in their GIVE2 stage)

For me, this one picture marks the culmination* of my association with Prasthutha, something that gives me confidence and motivation in the relevance of being responsible itself in the first place, and a result to your thoughts, (which for me mostly gets confined to my mind itself). It indicates two things-
1. No matter who you are, you can be responsible and have the right attitude/ dedication to your society
2. There is more joy and pride in being involved in something practical than all the noble ideas you came up with that never saw a world out of paper/ mind.

My life has definitely changed by my association with Prasthutha- for the better.

PS: Prasthutha programmes have listings/ transcripts/ audio/ video of programmes on its website. Kindly do go through them and if you are interested in joining us or even arguing with us please let me know.

*Culmination, as in fruit-bearing. I am in no way parting ways- in fact, am looking for more such ventures which will ultimately materialize into something good.

Tamasoma Jyotirgamaya

2006-10-20T23:20:00.001-06:00

Deepavali - perhaps the main message of this pagan festival is to seek to God this: "Asatoma Sathgamaya, Thamaso Maa Jyothir Gamaya, Mrithyor Maa Amrutham Gamaya, Aum Shanti Shanti Shantihi". (Lead me from untruth to the truth, from darkness to light, from death to immortality- Invoke Peace). There are so many levels to this one sloka from Brihadaranyakopanishad, or maybe I see it as that- invoking peace for and within oneself, asking to be led to the light representing enlightenment.

May this festival of lights drive away the darkness in all of us, especially in me. Have a happy Deepavali!

Life? .... dont talk to me about life

2006-10-11T09:44:00.000-06:00

There are times when I wonder what life is all about, why I am here and what am I expected to do here. These are the times when I have loads of work piling up on my desk and I have not had a doze of my morning caffeine. One ‘hot, tall, coffee mocha, no whip’ and all these thoughts fade away in deep chasm. I have pretty much come to the conclusion that coffee, if not in entirety, atleast partially- has something to do with my purpose in life. A few mental blocks later, I also came up with a theory that being jobless is the aim of my life- I don’t remember how, though. Now, you cannot mug up a theory or a proof, and according to me, if you come up with a theory which you, yourself cannot reproduce later, then, you don’t exactly believe in it. I mean, proof should stand the test of time, thought and coffee or more precisely, the lack of it.

I prioritize my life. Sometimes I am so jobless that I have to come up with some work to prioritize. Most other times, i.e., when I have something to do, I philosophize (myself) into believing that although life need not necessarily be a philosophy, philosophy is definitely life and hence all work (resistance to joblessness) is useless. The rest of the (very small fraction of) time, I actually work, is, according to my manager, really insignificant.

I will, standing by the title of this blog, not try to find an answer for life. Let me try and seek, what it is that I want to do before Yama-Raj* has his way with me. As in what do I want to do? What are my priorities? Let me analyze this (and put forwad the theory I came up with):

As stated elsewhere, my ultimate aim in life is to sit somewhere and be unaffected by anything around me or affect anything. This I will call state of “perfect joblessness”. It will only be sheer coincidence if someone has already come up with this idea. Practically speaking some coffee will always come in its way. So it is too idealistic an aim, something I know I can never get to. So I am back to square one, I have my aim in life but I am too lazy to be perfectly jobless. Now I am relieved that I don’t expect anything out of myself. I can now get back to being a vagabound and have fun*.

But I see people take this concept of life seriously. I think the problem is they define life in a way to make it difficult for themselves. There is a lot of crib that one has to do something in life, live upto some expectations they, or in some cases others, have set! For all you know one truth is final, you never get out of life alive. So why take it seriously and spoil all the fun in the meantime? Who knows! Maybe the purpose of life is to not worry about it. Maybe it’s a game where you have to be materialistic* and still be unaffected by it- I mean like not feeling bad about an exam where you didn’t do well or being overtly happy about seeing a three-legged puppy.

My conclusion is this: There are some things one** cannot control in ones life. One should not even try to. For other stuff, one must try his/her best and still, if the result doesn’t turn out to be good, give a damn and look for something else to do. And once again, life will go on.

* Definitions vary. I have mine. No, don’t ask what it is.

**I was asked why the blog is "Kboyone". what is one? Have you heard of someONE? Well, I am KboyONE.

Happy Birthday

2006-10-08T09:50:00.000-06:00

…to me! Thank you, Thank you. It has been 25 useless years to date- a quarter century nonetheless. I celebrated it with a signature 12-hour sleep perhaps analogous to the life I have lived to date.

Birthdays mean nothing to me. It was purely coincidental I was born on this date- well, I was born, they tell me, at 12:01 AM (7^th Oct-8^th Oct) - so much for controversies. If we started at what we now claim to be March 1^st as January 1, I would have been born on August 8^th, which is more significant for me than 8^th Oct- why? Freedom of choice, as guaranteed by the Constitution of India. That is why when people go gung-ho on 15^th August and January 26^th, not to mention 2^nd October (purely again for Gandhi only, a certain Mr L B Shastri was also born that day, FYI), I am awestruck. How does it even matter to be proud of that tricolor for 2-3 days in a year and as much as ignore it to say the least for the remaining! For me, everyday is a celebration of life. But then again, I know much better than to hurt so many of my friends who remembered me having been born this day and wished me- even when I am no longer on Orkut! Thanks so much. Had I been in college now, people would have been vouching to do the obvious, well, assuming they could lift me up now ;) Darn! I miss having my b’day celebrated in tea-board, IISc.

And whats special this day? Lets see. “Violence breaks out in Mangalore again” Wow this is the top story on rediff! My ‘friends’ would now be thinking in terms of life being so apt to ones birthdays. For a hate-monger, this is the best gift they would say- like I give a damn, but nonetheless. Let me tell you about my experiences with communal violence in that area – my Mangalore:

Year 1992: I was in 7^th Standard. All I remember was that a certain Babri “masjid” was demolished. A small scale demonstration broke out in Mangalore and a lot of people were arrested symbolically. (I later came to know they were given a banana and let go). I could not figure out then, why a structure was important to be destroyed even if a certain Hindu ‘God’ was born there. Of course, my social studies courses wouldn’t tell me that there existed a temple at that site before destruction by Babur in 1527. This I came to know from Encyclopedia Britannica (a friend showed this to me) under entry “Ayodhya”. (Also read ASI findings by Prof B B Lal, I read it in ‘Manthan’ in 1990/91- there have been claims of independent ‘experts’ having found otherwise, who these experts are, I dont know, probably a Patwardhan or a Ashghar or a certain “Dr” Shrivastava who claimed that a mosque was built on a mosque, as expected without evidence- and I’d rather not believe these morons. After all, we aren’t YOUR monkeys either, Mr Pat ;). I then wondered why would Babur do such a thing- for all you know, he had enough land nearby where he could have built as big a mosque as he wished. But why that particular site? This context is pertinent when thinking of why the mosque was razed, according to me. A lot has been said and done on this topic. So I guess I will keep to what I saw in Mangalore at that time.

Year 1998: I was in 1^st year Engineering then. I commuted from my house in Mangalore to my college in Suratkal (19 kms). It was close to year end and the semester exams were looming large, (and as usual, I was short on attendance which means I had to attend every class). The bus in which I was traveling was stopped at Kulai, midway between Krishnapura and Hosabettu stops- some 8 kms from my college. I later came to know that the following had happened from a friend who lived in Suratkal: “A Muslim youth harassed a Hindu girl when the brother of the girl, tried to intervene. That evening, a group of Muslims came over to the girls house in a ‘show of strength’ and then one thing led to another and we had a stand-off, which led to the situation.“ I walked all my way to college (along the beach with 4 more people – Sandeep, Srinivas and two more- I don’t remember who). I also saw police firing tear gas from “Karkera’s” (KRECians, NITKians rather, will identify this as the 2^nd-hand text book shop) and was caught up in college for 5 days before I was able to get back to my house in Mangalore.

All this time, I did not understand why The Hindu newspaper (and Frontline) would put it as a Hindu communal riot. The way I saw it, it was anything but. (Assuming, asking Hindu women to ‘burkha’ isn’t whats on your mind right now). It took me some time to realize that ‘The Hindu’ was Marxist- I mean, yes, ironically sadistic. Meanwhile, what I was slowly becoming aware was the fact that the Muslim population in this area was on a steady rise. I conclude this from the Malabarese Muslims (Moplahs, roughly meaning son in law in Arabic) and their language. A large influx of Muslims in this (Suratkal, Ullal and Panambur) area, I could somehow correlate to trouble.

Many other issues sprung up immediately (or I must say, I became more aware of them). For example, The Chennamma Maidan (Idgah Maidan) issue in Hubli (where as rumor has it, a group of Muslim Youth hoisted the Green flag inspite of a HC ruling against the Re 1/year lease for 999 years (!!) and a SC Stay Order I nthe disputed area) and the well known National flag hoisting issue, when the ‘Rashtradhwaja Gourava Samrakshana Samiti’ (Committee to protect the honour of the national flag) volunteers were beaten up and the flag brought down in an insulting fashion by the police backed by stone pelting by an ‘angry’ (for what reason? I don’t know) Muslim crowd. May I remind you that this was even before the Babri incident.

The Baba Budanagiri incident is another such. (A google search will return you just ‘secular’ sources. I encourage you to read with caution).

Then I read this. To tell you the truth, I was not surprised. Communal divide in Mangalore is evident in every walk of life. Bunder (Harbour) is the only place where Hindus and Muslims work together – more for need than out of willingness. The whole society is otherwise divided. Areas in Mangalore are divided as Muslim majority and Hindu majority. The division is not merely religious. The Malabarese Muslims speak Beary, a mixture of Malayalam, Arabic and I must say some local Tulu. In Mangalore people speak Tulu, Konkani and Kannada. The influx of Malayalam brings with it, the Kerala border just as it did with Kasaragod, which previously was under Karnataka, a dispute even to date. (That Karnataka has a border dispute with Maharashtra over Belgaum, tells me just how liberal Kannadigas are ;)

Apparently the current stand-off started at Bappnadu Durga Parameshwari Temple (a very famous temple in Bappanadu, near Mulky, 23 kms North of Mangalore), where during the Sharada Devi celebrations (part of Navaratri celebrations in Konkan area), a tabloid depiction of Bappa Beary (a Muslim king who apparently converted to Hinduism and built this temple on the banks of River Shambhavi) was shown bowing to the Goddess. I definitely do not know what pleasure whoever made this tabloid, derived from that experience. (It must have taken a lot of effort for someone to actually recognize Bappa beary also). But my point is this- If we are so communally sensitive, are we right in proclaiming that we are secular? Isnt this ironic that a secular state has so much communal hegemony vested in itself?

This stand off at Bappanadu has sparked off the other debate where the Bajrang Dal had purchased lawfully, in an auction, a cow slaughterhouse. Thus at the famous Kudroli temple, when, during the Sharada Visargana day, some Muslim youth tied to pack away cows – for obvious reason- and BD stepped in, a riot broke out. (For people thinking on the lines of freedom of speech/ expression of Muslims in eating beef, I contend with the freedom of speech/expression/non-eat-ability of cows).

What the report at Rediff or Samachar.com or even the stories/ fantasies at Hindu/ Frontline will not tell you is that the violence is not a fresh wound. It stems from a deep religio-social divide in the society. (Politics definitely has a role to play). Islam is a religion that was NOT peacefully ‘inflicted’ upon Hindus. It would be living in denial if one were to suppose that a tolerant religion will continue to remain so in the face of an aggressor. When people talk of ‘Sangh Parivar’ sparking off communal issues, I am forced to think, why is it necessary for them to do so? A quick glance a census will be a tip-off. Our appeasing governments have done no better than add fuel to fire. Are they entirely wrong? I think not. I see it as a counterweight. And unless the root cause is not healed, any solution is only a superficial one.

A lot has been said and done, but for now my heart bleeds for my Mangalore.

Live and let die

2006-10-05T08:59:00.000-06:00

No, seriously, what exactly is Ms Roy's problem? Does she think she is doing a great job by saving a 'human being' from gallows? Perhaps, asuming Afzal is one. Yes, you can even show a picture of young Ghalib (Afzal's son, which, all reports mention has been named after Mirza Ghalib, a famous Urdu poet and philosopher- why? I dont know) holding up a placard innocently and claim sentimental refuge. For me, insensitiveness notwithstanding, it doesnt make sense. For all you know, media did not find it important to showcase the life of Nanak Chand and he probably even had a son, like Ghalib -whose placard went unphotographed.

Hold back for a moment- think about if you know this -Nanak Chand- name. This person is the ASI who was killed during the Attack carried out by Afzal (for eyebrows raised on 'fairness' of trial- I rather believe my Govt and Court rather than Arundhati Roy or Nandita Haksar. I absolutely see no reason why my nightmares are worse than their fantasies. On second thoughts, I'd rather not open that door). My point is, for one, we know Afzal carried out the attacks. And he gets to be famous because our Human rights Orgs and likes of Arundhati Roy have to, well, prove their liberal-ness. And who else is around? Hurriyat junta - Sajjad Lone and Yasin Mallik! Perhaps their assumed 'freedom fight' demands that they deny the chance for Afzal to be a 'Martyr'.

How exactly would this be different from Savarkar et al's bombing in London Parliament? 'Cause it was purely symbolic! No one was killed - the intention was not to kill, but to gain world attention to the plight of Indians from British, again, NOT to wage a holy war or convert people or demand a peice of land from someone after an ethnic cleansing and driving away the original inhabitants of that land. Plebiscite seekers can, with this background, as Eric Cartman (Southpark) would put it, Kiss my @$$.

Finally, the biggest question- What do we gain by hanging Afzal? Nandita Haksar, Afzal's lawyer is of the opinion that it would only cause unrest among Kashmiris and will affect Ghalib, making him an orphan.

I, as usual, beg to differ. Suppose Afzal was saved from the gallows. What is the message going out to someone planning another attack on us? I also do not udnerstand why Kashmiris will not be able to understand that it wasnt a Kashmiri who was killed but a terrorist who brutally attacked Indian Parliament and was responsible for the death of Nanak Chand. This person by appearance may be a human being, but by thought I doubt if he is. Young Ghalib must be made to understand why his his father wasnt pardoned. The message that must go out is the one which speaks the language that people who need to understand, will.

Now, how exactly would hanging a terroist be anti-Democratic? I hope M(r?)s Roy doesnt think that all Indians are terrorists, thereby in a terrorist Democracy, hanging one would be immoral. Arundhati Roy has won a Booker prize. Oh Yeah! That was for Fiction. She is apparently good at it.

My conclusion: Twisting words can fetch you an award once alright, but, as someone put it, you cant fool all the people all the time.

Salutations to the great American

2006-10-04T08:40:00.000-06:00

Readers please note: I am being highly sarcastic and sadistic in this post. If you think I am like a typical self-hater, no, the title was just to be that much more cheap.

"Indo-US N-deal should be opposed: US activist".(Source)
Gagnon who is on tour of India with another social activist Mary Beth, said he would be visiting at least half-a-dozen cities across India and meeting NGOs, activists and others and collect from them statements on the Indo-US nuclear deal.

Dear Mr Gagnon, first of all, your name is funny, like all us Indian ones. We wish you have a nice and safe tour in India- do ride the elephant. Also please take pictures of poor children and 'religious minorities' in India so you can display them in your living room for friends and family to appreciate.

Back to my point, or crib, as you see it, we just had this news come in. We, Indians, are used to it and we either so ignore them that newspapers dont report majority of them. We flip channels and watch "Babaji ke satsang" or "Kahani ghar ghar ki" or MTV when such news reports come in. Ashamed to put it in words but for your benefits, we give a damn. Its not just We, The People, but also They, The Government (see). So you see, we are basically like a sitting duck. People come over, screw around and go away nice and fine. We dont do much with them.

That, is precisely why, you guys dont have to be afraid of us. if you give us the nuclear green signal, we wont screw around with our neighbors or threaten America or for that matter neither will there be any shortage of "legions of people (are) sleeping in the streets and many places have no sewar systems." We are humble people and we make up an accent to please you and will ever continue to do so. Dont be afraid of us.

Ah! before I forget, you will meet numerous people all of whom will have opinions similar to yours, which is ample proof for our tolerance. Well, we require them back in India so that we dont progress and overtake you. We sarcastically call them 'progressive'- but hush! dont tell them, not yet. Go to Iran and find me people who will support you - or get out of there alive, whichever is easier- and we can think about your proposal.

Even in the US, people were initially attracted to nuclear weapons, Gagnon, a follower of Gandhian philosophy to an extent, said. "But after some time people are coming back to their tradition and culture. People are now going away from materialism. This in the end will save the people from corporate globalisation", he said.
We, in India, regardless of your views on spirituality in India, would like to tell you that we appreciate a peice of bread more than all Gandhis principles or Christian bibles you can preach for us. We dont want high held quotes on spiritual salvation or Nirvana (just put this word in here as I know if turns you guys on), just give us, if you really want to, some bread. May I also request you to kindly visit the missionaries in India while you are there and share with them, all these aphorisms on corporate culture, tradition and culture (which incidentally we, Indians have too).

And while we are on Gandhi, the amazing human being, that was a poor joke about his persistance having won independence for us. The British just found it expensive to sustain India. I agree gandhi was a cool dude, but please dont take it too far. If you still think British ran away because he 'offered the other cheek', I dont see why I spent my (otherwise unproductive) time over this. So long and thanks for all the fish.

PS: While you are in Chennai, do try Madras coffee and Masala Dosa at Saravana bhavan.

Another one bites the dust

2006-10-02T13:14:00.000-06:00

There is no Higher Reason, No thing wretched or tart;
No heights to scale, No pitfalls to fall;
From dust I came and will someday go back;
And, what is left behind is just my own thought.

-I think, therefore I am and was!

To believe or not to?

2006-10-02T12:56:00.000-06:00

Halt! This one is not about God and religion. Its my (arguably confused) take on social networking. See you later.

Shit happens! I mean we all do things and then look back and blame it on the ‘situation’, that God almighty (with all due and undue respects, whoever That is) was not as lenient with us as he was with the others- Most of the times though, it is not true. One is usually in control of the way things get to happen around self. Luck is a part of life, So is ones thinking and it matters more. More it is under control, the better. Treating luck as a separate ‘unknown’ variable will only increase the bliss that we are in (read ignorance -for dummies). Its better to just consider it as a statistical variation in a linear curve. Some old adage on ‘will’ and ‘way’ of people was not unduly based on inexperience, I believe. Most of our miseries are due to, what Munshi Premchand put so neatly in “Godaan” – Paapi pet (Sinner stomach). (There are some books people must read in life, at least once. Godaan is one such).

But wait a minute, not all of them are linked to the misfortunes bestowed by a hungry stomach – We have (in) human rights organizations to make the case up here. What with my excessive dosage of chat and ‘social networking’ these days, I am introduced to a new kind of mental pressure- that of living up to the expectations of someone you have never seen (and may as well, never will). But it is personal again. If you are like me, you would be emotional - but never throw up your emotions, or at least try not to. That doesn’t mean I am a door-mat people walk over – Most of the times I don’t give a damn to stuff. But there’s always so much to learn in life. How could I miss out? Education, of what I have ever had, has mostly been outside of my schools and colleges. The formal one didn’t ruin me- No Mr Twain, I beg to differ. It is only that I had so much off-school that the former seemed less significant.

I have made some very good friends on the internet, perfectly normal for anyone of my age and ablutions. I mean, for me, personally again, Friends are one of the best things to have happened. So I tend to choose friends with care and Passion. So am jittery about friends I make online, and what amount of information I give out to them. What guarantee will someone give me that the person at the other end isn’t faking off all his info and trying to get me all crossed up and emotional. Why? For the heck of it. My question put simply is - Is it alright to believe in someone when you have not even seen the person? Refraining from delving into the mires of right and wrong, I wonder, if belief is really a bad thing to happen to one self, or let take over one self, if that’s how you look at it. The point is, is it worth believing in someone? Obviously I concur with what you apprehended currently – Believe? In whom? The ‘whom’ part is most interesting – You will have to get back to ‘believe’ that what you know about ‘whom’ is really true.

But lets look at the other side of the coin- As long as you don’t actually give away too sensitive an information like your credit card number or the answer to ‘Life, The Universe and Everything’, you might as well not run into serious trouble. Sensitive reminds me of an interesting chat I had with a friend the other day (I shall refrain from the usage of names, relationships and salutations of the aforesaid), about sensitive information. The words truly amazed me – ‘never reveal..u will be hit at vulnerable spot’. The icing on the cake came in the form of the very next sentence – ‘and its applicable unless u know a person’. My point is how do you know you know a person? It is certainly a bad thing to happen, to open up all about your life and happenings and be not treated as honestly. More than any material damage, it affects the social thinking of an individual. Moving ahead in life (or at least pretending to), we may even have the secret swiss knife in our defense hidden in the stockings – you never know the guy next door!

If at all my ravings above seemed to be well against the apparently conservative (and for heavens sake get the hell out of American politics) bunch of individuals, I do see the justifications of the people who are in favor of not opening up ‘easily’. The point is its better to shut up and be thought of as a fool than to open up and clear all doubts. I think I have presented the two ends of the thread – its time to tie them up.

My take- The more you hide something and reveal later, the more it will hit in case of a forgery (wow, the term IS catchy). That means you must not create a public directory for people to hit and run, but give it out when you feel like (I hope the word ‘gut feeling’ as an approach to convey what I mean wouldn’t be misinterpreted as careless). But why feel sorry about what happened? The person if at all is a loony bloke, may not also have the guts to use it in manner that would bring shame. I don’t give a damn about such people. Lets just not make them popular by thinking about them so much. As for people who quote Chanakya in defense, Chanakya was a shrewd politician. He didn’t have the internet back then. If he did, I *believe* he would have blogged on similar lines.

Implicit Moron of the day

2006-10-02T10:35:00.000-06:00

"We do not believe in making rhetorical statements which were made in the past like aar paar ki ladai and all. The prime minister and our government, we take stock of the situation. We are firm in our handling. Let everybody be reassured. When we convey our concerns, we convey them clearly and firmly and that is why I used the word, We will watch what Pakistan does." -Anand Sharma (Source)

I was looking forward to writing something on my pet subject. People call it bigotry, but I guess its for 'secularist'-usage-only in India. I will call it implicit moronicity or IM for shot.

For one, I will never understand what will it take for our Minister of State for External Affairs Anand Sharma to be convinced that 'taking stock of situations', and 'watching what Pakistan does' are themselves rhetorical and justify my bestowing upon him, the coveted IM-of-the-day title on his divine self. To further substantiate his stand, he comes up bashing opposition leader Hajpayee, who has, no doubt, done his bit (but finished in a close second) towards getting to the title himself. The point is when two morons blame each other, Indians get screwed. (Mr McKay would now say "Being moron is baad", but whatever). Whats more; Anandji, somehow I guess, is under the impression that ISI is like LeT or something (i mean bureaucratically, organizationally). For all my money, I'd bet on ISI being more a part of Pakistan Govt than an independent organization- asking Pakistan to take action against it is like asking you to punish your hand. Best of luck with that, by the way.

The evidence that these people collect, also doesnt make any sense unless its revealed to the world. Maybe they have evidence, but unless you show them to me, "Screw you guys, am going home". I dont know whom more to blame:
a) Pakistani Govt (and/or ISI) for perpetrating violence. (which I am sure they did, but have no proof of)
b) Indian Govt for its ah-go-screw-yourself-Indians attitude
c) You, for wasting time over reading this, or
d) Me, for being as jobless

I have pretty much reached to this conclusion: Nothing good lays ahead in the future. I may be wrong, pessimistic or sadistic about it, but definitely NOT a moron.

Give-up

2006-09-30T21:15:00.000-06:00

In desperation, I see,
What I had forlorn to be,
Be bestowed on someone more worthy.

My pride is lost, the game's over,
There’s nothing anyone can do about it,
As I give up, I know I’ll never stand back again.

I lost my only chance,
To prove my worth and stance,
As I bleed from inside, my tears go unseen.

I fear the repercussions,
The sorrow, disgust and tensions,
The stress they'll put me under, and the pain I shall hence suffer.

My friends all forsake me,
For I aint what I promised I will someday be,
Why blame them? When the fault in me lies wide open.

The depths of darkness,
The abyss, that I’ll never be able to fathom,
I fall into; will I ever come out is the question I pose to me.

My journey so mysterious, no path was ever clear
All I ever knew is
I’ll never know where I want to get.

My will, my only power,
A troubled soul to recover, a skin hanging lose on my shoulder,
The remnants of a wreck; a true disaster.

A picture painted would only reveal,
Death in its finest ordeal,
A soul tainted with defeat and shame written all over.

I don’t cry over the past,
Nor do I fear for my future,
He who cradles the world will always look after.

But as human what have I been? I always wonder,
Any better than a beast? or worse? echoes my soul,
The answer to which I never dare to find.

If today is not my day, as people say,
Tomorrow will never be,
I dare say, I shall never be, what I wanted to be.

With solitude as my companion,
Pain, the motivator, I plan to re-build my shattered dreams,
My hope, long lost, I seek to redeem.

In Mother Nature, I seek solace,
Some time and some space,
To build back, what I thought I had lost forever.

A bird’s nest, I see,
Tortured by wind from the sea,
Undaunted; it builds back as happy a soul as it can be.

I decide I’ll never quit.
Till my last breath will I stick,
With bated breath I’ll fight, myself more than anyone else.

To full utility will I work myself,
So that when all is said and done,
I can blame my luck if nothing else.

As my thoughts transpire
I aspire to be back in the race,
To never be alluded to as a just-run again.

But only the fittest survive,
The rest are destined to be plowed,
The more I try to go up, the more I am pushed down.

True faith never quits,
An adage; it’ll always only remain one
There’s no more color to it, the hard way as I find it.

Drenched in misery and self-pity,
I truly give up.
I can’t take this anymore, I say to myself.

Barren as a desert,
no grace no substance,
I find myself in this pathetic condition.

Random Musings - Part One

2006-09-30T21:05:00.000-06:00

"Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country"- John F Kennedy.

He couldn’t have put it any better, could he? Patriotism has been used and misused time and again. Many a case can be made against patriotism. It has been pointed out by many to be the source of war and misery. Let me define what I mean when I say Patriotism before I venture into anything more. Patriotism is the love for ones country. Period. The problem, as I see it, comes up when this love for your own turns into hatred for the other. Consider two parallel lines, one yours and another mine. Expecting my line to grow (and working towards that cause) is analogous to the patriotism I am talking about. Cutting the other short to make mine look bigger- now that’s misuse. When people talk about nationalism (or patriotism) being the bane of mankind, I am assuming they are talking about the second kind. That is why we need standards.

Long back in class 6, if I am not wrong, I read this story of 5 blind men and an elephant. Each blind man feels different part of an elephant. For the person who touched its leg, an elephant is a vast pillar like creature. For the one who touched its ear, it is like a piece of cloth. And so on…My point is, we are, if we don’t adhere to standards, like blind men. Our perception of something stems from our interaction with something, or how it was taught to us in school or interpreted by a friend. Albert Einstein, Bertrand Russell and others lived at an age when Hitler implicated wrongly, the notion of country and race and declared war on ‘others’. I believe they have a right to believe what they want to. But the problem is, rather my problem is, that’s not how I see it. I love my country not because it is great but because it is mine. This doesn’t imply I hate the rest (without reason). I am of the opinion, following my definition of patriotism, that people with negative cognition of term patriotism are attacking the wrong problem. Patriotism isn’t wrong. How someone interpreted it, is.

On this note, a very common question I was asked about ones country is that it wasn’t by choice. So, there wasn’t supposed to be much significance to ones country. To be frank with you, this only makes me laugh. For all you know, being human may not have been a choice as well. It really is funny when people talk of free will. Re-think. Freedom of choice is a diluted concept. We are not given choice in most cases- definitely not about my species. (I would have chosen to be a dog, with all due to respects to Tommy. If there ever was a reason I got to be a human, it was because I wasn’t worthy enough to be a dog). That certainly doesn’t imply that someone must dictate everything to us. If that is what you think I implied, you must stop reading this note immediately. Forebear at your own risk. What I write is what I think. The interpretation is yours and yours only.

Freedom of choice is a freedom only when it isn’t infringing on another’s. (Which is pretty redundant a sentence in context). But the bigger picture is important -always. So, if the entire human race is uplifted by my death, killing me against my freedom of choice is right and not immoral (Suggested reading- Robert Pirsig: “Lila, an enquiry into morals”). While I am definitely pro-choice, I am of also of the opinion that my options must be equally balanced. For example, in a discussion on Orkut, people were of the opinion that religion must be a choice. I agree that it is feasible, but only in an environment where nothing is forced (so much redundant again, but rethink and you will see what I mean) upon you or made to look tantalizing. I chose this example of religion with a reason (apart from the fact that I am an Indian), that of emotional value. For different people, religion means different things. For me religion is a means of making a human being disciplined and living a pious life- something intended for the overall good of the society and no doubt, having been misused. (Again, going by my definition, if religion is foolishness; I say you are attacking the wrong problem).

Being an Indian and in that context, if you are talking about Hinduism vis-à-vis Abrahamic religions, which are the major religions in India, I’d say you are comparing apples to oranges. Just because some people could not pronounce “Sindhu” properly, people beyond the river became Hindus. These people beyond Sindhu, did not have nor do they have a centralized institution that prints out texts to follow so you remain a member. Hinduism, for me, is not a religion implied in the sense of a particular book to follow/ path to lead. It is an ensemble of different paths that guide you in your quest of life- what that is, is again upto you. I am not giving out answers here- only looking at the question differently. It is, simply put, a way of life (Ref: Writings of Swami Vivekananda). I am a Hindu and an atheist at the same time (and still not a moron, well, arguably).

Still on the question of aim of life, let me explain how I see it for myself. I was watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S (a comedy TV series) in which a young woman asks Ross (character of a paleontologist) for an autograph and not Joey (playing the role of a popular TV series actor), which, as they put it, never happens. Joey is astounded that the woman doesn’t know him but Ross and goes on to ask the woman about it. The woman responds she doesn’t have a TV. Joey comes up with this gem: “What is all your furniture pointed at?”

Apparently funny, but this somehow makes me think what all my furniture is pointed at- what is my goal in life. Earn money, have fun and lead a ‘happy life’. Is that it? There again, the problem of standards comes up. For me happiness is a state of mind. I need not have a ‘lot’ of money, (if such a thing is possible), and still be happy.

Digression apart, simply put, my aim in life is to reach a state where I am unaffected by surroundings and at the same time also not affecting my surrounding, while living- which might seem to be oxymoronic. That state is probably what they call death- but you can’t be sure either. I am more in the stage of trying to catch my own tail, going in circles right now. If that is possible somehow, it would be an example of ‘living’ while being unaffected by life. (Ref: Bhagavad Gita Chapter 9- a Sanyasi and a Karma yogi in one).

Let us assume life is a thermodynamic cycle and we are the system in question. Society is our environment. I have to stratify ‘society’ speaking from my viewpoint. Society for me implies the immediate neighborhood, that which affects me directly. I may shake hands with person A, who shook hands with person B. But that doesn’t mean I shook hands with person B. So person A is part of my society and I give a damn about B, so to speak.

My society affects me and I affect my society. I take something from the society and debatably give back to it. I am of the view that from a social point of view, man has three stages in life. In the first stage, he is taking from the society- the TAKE stage (eg: resource utilization). The second state is where he is independent of the society- the INDependent stage. A third stage where he is giving back to the society – the GIVE stage (eg: tax).

A quick mix-n-match will tell you that one can be in both the TAKE and GIVE stages simultaneously. There need not be an IND or a GIVE stage at all in someone’s life (or have insignificant amount of these stages). But I am of the opinion and you may disagree that every person has a TAKE stage. Sometimes there is a dynamic balance between the GIVE and TAKE stages for every system (person). Again I am of the opinion that on an average, per system (person) the TAKE is higher than the GIVE.

Now I have to stop my generalization and speak of India only – mostly because I am an Indian, not by choice again but in spite of and yet.

When I said society, I am not talking about the irregularities in the society (and unwilling to open that can of worms here yet). When I said GIVE stage and the example of tax, I did not elaborate on the recipient of this stage- which is undoubtedly the society but this is a heterogenous distribution (pun intentionally unintended). So our GIVE stage especially in the Indian society context must have two stratifications. One is the plain GIVE stage (lets call it GIVE1) and the other with an enhanced “distribution” function GIVE2.

As you may already have guessed, I have a view of an engineer in my mind when I talk about all this- I am assuming you stopped reading otherwise. My TAKE stage is to an extent, on-going. I have utilized resources during my childhood and the society has spent them on me vehemently- the fruit of which is my becoming an engineer. Of course there was an inherent self-effort involved etc, but I am sure you see what I intend to say. My TAKE stage although ongoing is insignificant.

I now work in the US where I get my salary, where I pay my tax and where I basically live. So as far as Indian society is concerned, I am in my IND stage. As far as I am concerned, there is now a deficit in the Indian society. This is probably how brain drain works. And this is definitely not good for India. An argument against this would be about having a less efficient GIVE stage if I were in India. Let me reserve more comments on this for later.

The perfect resonance for this model, as I see it, is in having no IND stage, a larger GIVE1 stage (which is a combination of the otherwise GIVE1 and IND stages) and an efficient GIVE2 stage.

Maybe I am only looking at the problem at a different angle. Let me venture into giving a solution using this model. How to make the GIVE2 stage efficient? Rather, when will GIVE2 be efficient? I think it is efficient when there is a network – or an ORGanization. The importance of an Organization is the goal it provides, the TV in the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. example. The alignment of views is one of the most important thing according to me. There are and have been organizations which have been working in the GIVE2 stage in India. Apart from the alignment on issues topic, the only other thing why I think India is still a Third World Nation is because of the improper management and monitoring of these organizations.

I have come across a lot of Indians who ponder about the intellectual standard of an average Indian being equal if not higher to the people from developed countries but still us lagging behind. My answer to them is this: Ferrimagnetics. These are materials which, have magnetic domains within them but are not aligned properly. So in effect they cancel out each other and the resultant magnetic property is zero. We are so like this. Indians, if we work together as an organized and efficient society getting rid of our infighting, are bound to progress fast to a great future.

<--To be continued-->

Side Note: (If I were to take this further, for any given system and its surrounding, overall entropy always increases- which for me is analogous to the overall mess we generate through our interactions – it is funny, how closely we can relate to a thermodynamic cycle, philosophically)

Lakshya to... Har haal mein paana hai

2006-09-06T17:07:00.000-06:00

Frustrated with life. Thats how I can describe my mood. But wait! On second thoughts, frustrated with self, I stand self-corrected. It happens to me sometimes- I just pause, sit still and look back at my life, as in what I have done, what I actually wanted to do and where I am currently heading. Today was one such day. Basically I was jobless for a change- its like making up for the 18 hours I (literally) put in a stinky cleanroom suit yesterday. Such occasions are ideal for self-introspection, they say. What started this process, I will never know, nor do I want to know- its not important as I see it. What is important is that eerie feeling you get when you suddenly realize that some things you have lost, you will never get. Time included. Let me clarify:

I have always been this average guy in life, never at ease with self and with always some room to improve, which on second thoughts isn't a bad thing, like my professor would put it- "No matter who you are, you can always improve." I was lucky in many sense, to have gotten into the best college in the country for my Masters and the best professor in the Department- and yes, no "low branch" funda by any effing stretch of imagination. There's this thing about me and imaginations- I never get a hang of anyone else's. Its all right up in that brain and I aint no good in reading them.

With this background, I pass out of this college where I have spent some of the best days of my life- not exactly with flying colors- but I was satisfied with whatever I did back there - extra-curricular activities included. I also had a decent job- nay- a job with a decent salary when I packed my bags off. Definitions of decency can be many and varied. For salaries, mine would read "that which is above average"- not that for an average person any other would suit. My job was being jobless basically in places I never dreamt of- exotic would not be exaggeration.

It takes a while to get used to different environments- I was told. "Cultural differences" were there, but it didn't matter much to me, in fact I was happy to be in a foreign place where moustaches were considered assets. But presently the environment that I am talking about is the 'corporate environment'. Coming from a research field, it is rather difficult to adjust to a place where 'showing' the work you have not done is the only way up the ladder and there seems to be a rush at the bottom of it. But I am not cribbing. When it comes to preferences and choices, I am of the opinion that individuals must adjust rather than asking the institution to, which is again a whole gamut of individuals to change their selves. That, or there is always a way out.

I guess its the paycheck and the buying power it brought along that kept my concentration wavering from the what I actually wanted to do- a career in research. Having excessive 'shit' jobs didn't exactly help either, but then, American companies do not run on losses often. Wondering why I was paid for drawing straight lines between 20 points - often killing points that don't agree with me- I spent the first one and a half-ish years. What didn't struck until now was it was ONE and a HALF YEARS of wasted (arguably) human resource. I sit back and think about it- rethink if I may, so as to justify the title- what I wanted to do in life. My career is certainly not corporate -management and finance have always been unfriendly to me, the subjects as much as the terms. Research- yes. Oh yeah! Now we have the solution.

Or so I thought. Implementation is another thing. Arm chair philosophy rocks until it sees a world out of paper. GRE! hmm, heard that before. I am certainly not good at mugging and lethargic after the corporate stint goes without saying. So I mug 18 lists in 3 weeks. Thats like a record for me. And then comes the decision- to actually take the test up.

Also a decision is usually made at this time for the universities to apply for. I make a list of say 15 colleges to shortlist from. And then struck the blow. I am applying for August and its the last day of November of the previous year. The deadline for application is first week of January!! I was taking this easy. No more, I say to myself. I go and check for dates for taking up the GRE test- unavailable not atleast till February. And I am like- not all people were sleeping. Or atleast woke up faster than I did.

What remains to be said? Those old friends- bottles of spirits and cigarettes, eh? No ways. The thin red line has moved over time owing to incidents, which, when I look back will be some of the most treasured ones- yes, hard as it may be to believe, I HAVE QUIT. I say to myself- shit happens and its perfectly obvious that I blame everything else- system, corporate world, GRE, Universities and everyone. But truth will prevail - It is my mistake. I lost my time, I was lethargic and there is no second to that.

It also is a time to panic- Writing to all your professors who have the patience to try and put some common sense in you. Well, extremely unfortunate for them to have had someone like me as a student. And if I were an astrologer- Saturn would be the approximation what I have been to them. It also reminds the wise words of a few friends who had sanity floating around. Who else to ignore those rants than yours truly?

Apart from the great day I had with all such fact-finding and soul-searching, Murphy comes into play and more things get screwed up- elsewhere and leaves me what I currently am -irritated- at self.

This I say to myself: Time is lost- no doubt, but I have learnt my lesson. I will have my next chance and I have no intentions of messing up then. Sense must be re-defined as: NOT repeating your mistakes, if there is another already. Life couldn't get any worse and you must have heard people crib- but I am different. Nietzsche once said, "That which does not kill you, makes you more tough". So, Life, throw what you can at me. I am saner.

Meanwhile my iPod plays:
"Haan, yehi rasta hai tera, tune ab jaana hai.,
Haan yehi sapna hai tera, tune pehchaana hai,
Tujhe ab yeh dikhana hai...
roke tujhko aandhiyaan ya zammen ya aasmaan, paayega jo lakshya hai tera....
Lakshya to har hal mein paana hai"

Sanity rocks, still, I discover - a little late nonetheless